


felt certain still that the mind is free to know or not

by cosmicpoet



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: Love Confessions, M/M, Post-999: Nine Hours Nine Persons Nine Doors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 17:38:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18554587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicpoet/pseuds/cosmicpoet
Summary: After the Nonary Game, Snake and Junpei have a conversation.





	felt certain still that the mind is free to know or not

**Author's Note:**

  * For [clownrat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clownrat/gifts).



> _This passion of our kind_   
>  _For the process of finding out_   
>  _Is a fact one can hardly doubt,_   
>  _But I would rejoice in it more_   
>  _If I knew more clearly what_   
>  _We wanted the knowledge for,_   
>  _Felt certain still that the mind_   
>  _Is free to know or not._   
>  __  
>  **\- Wystan Hugh Auden**   
> 

It’s in the oppressive heat radiating in waves through the SUV that they can all breathe for the first time in over nine hours. Although a strange feeling, to gasp in the sickly hot air of the Nevada desert, and one that undoubtedly heaves up, like lazily buried bodies mingling with washed-up mud after a storm, memories of the incinerator and what could have happened were Junpei not so quick, it’s freeing nonetheless, with sky above them, that beautiful and overwhelming expanse under which the rains of the earth can fall infinitely, over and over again. The same water that christens history would fall now, not in the desert, but somewhere, regurgitating memories and yesterdays over fresh ground, as a mother bird feeds her young so that they may, one day, do the same.

He has gotten used to referring to himself as _Snake_ over the past nine hours, the ordeal a fixed point, now, in his mind, that he cannot yet separate himself enough from to reunite once more with a sense of identity. With Seven asleep, snoring, in the middle of the backseat, he can only assume that Junpei is still, silently, running over the recent events and revelations in that wickedly beautiful mind of his. He finds himself wondering what would have happened had he chose differently, not in Building Q, but directly outside it - had he sat next to Junpei in the SUV, would they be talking? Would there be anything to say, given the drain and the trauma and the anchors on their spirits that have only begun the slow process of dissipating into acceptance of the things that have happened?

Later, when the SUV stops, he walks over to Junpei and leans against the car, trying to think of something to say. It’s a strange affair, to wade through Hell with someone, and then backtrack to small talk. Comfort comes to him in the form of old memories, before Junpei, before the second Nonary Game, in words from a passage of poetry, the name of which is somehow long gone to his mind.

_“Dispatched the wished for prince, who was a creature  
Formed in the very poetry of nature.”_

“Junpei,” he says.

“Ah, Snake!”

“Please, there’s no need for code now.”

“So what can I call you, then?”

“My name?”

“That’s kinda what I was getting at, yeah,” Junpei laughs.

“Naturally. My name is Light.”

And there it is. The almost literal lightbulb moment. The reclamation of identity that washes over him, not as waves, but as freedom, blazing under the Nevada sun. At last, the snake has shed its skin and become whole again, fallen in love with the wisps of wind at the edge of the desert, that may as well be the edge of the world, because this space is infinite as long as he has something to hold onto.

“I am curious,” he continues, “about what you look like.”

“What? Like, my face?”

“I am not Gentarou. I can recognise faces, albeit with methods other than sight. May I?”

“Sure, go ahead,” Junpei laughs. Light suspects that there’s relief in his laughter, not relevant to the transpiring conversation, but rather the dizzy remnants of ecstasy at the mere force of survival. Slowly, he reaches up his right hand and touches Junpei’s cheek. The softness of his skin is hardly surprising to Light, but it is a familiar comfort, despite this being the first glimpse of an intimacy that he could find himself quite happily getting used to. As he moves, Junpei almost leans into him, and Light traces the outline of the bridge of Junpei’s nose, the curve of his jawline, the gentle flutter of his eyelashes. He cannot be sure if he is convincing himself, through the power of wishful thinking, or if it dares to be true, but Junpei’s cheeks seem to get warmer with the faintness of what Light imagines - or hopes - to be him blushing.

“Your lips are soft,” Light says.

“Thanks, man. I use a hell of a lot of chapstick.”

That’s quite alright, Light convinces himself. Quite alright indeed. Because there has been no outright rejection, and it would be a small mercy for things to stay this way, without the awkwardness of coming out. Whilst it would be nice - no, it would be perfect - if Junpei were attracted to men, Light rationalises that he cannot wish for more right now than the blessing of getting out of Building Q alive and safe. He risked it, before, in the bedroom, with his offhand comment about spending time in bed with Junpei, something that he had to play off as a calculated joke rather than a rare expression of genuine vulnerability to a stranger. In a life-or-death game such as the one he was just forced into, it could have been a mistake, but thankfully, Junpei saw it as nothing more than a sarcastic comment.

“So,” Junpei says, once Light draws his hand back down, “what’s your conclusion? Am I, like, mad hot? Reasonably attractive? Ugly as fuck?”

“You are…quite handsome,” Light says, choosing his words carefully.

“Eh, I’ll take that as a win.”

“Akane is a lucky woman.”

“Yeah, I…I don’t think that’s going anywhere,” Junpei says halfheartedly.

“May I ask why?”

“It’s just…weird, y’know? I mean, sure, I wanna be her friend still. But it’d be too much to try and have anything romantic after all this. It’s a bit of a heavy subject. I’m glad she’s in my life, and she means a lot to me, but if I’m looking for love I don’t want it to be…like that. You know? I want it to be easy.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” Junpei continues, “I mean, you said it yourself. I’m… _quite handsome._ I’ll find someone.”

“Of course you will. I have no doubt about it.”

“Just gotta put myself out there! Find myself a nice partner.”

“Partner?”

“What, you don’t use that word?”

“No, it’s just…curious.”

“Are you asking if I like guys?”

“I suppose I am, yes.”

“Then yeah, I do. I’m bi.”

“Oh.”

“That a problem to you?”

“No. Absolutely not, in fact. I’d be a hypocrite if I did have a problem with it, really. I’m just…surprised. No, not surprised. I suppose a better word would be _glad.”_

“Oh. Oh! I mean, I should have guessed, what with the whole _perhaps you’re hoping we’ll spend time on the bed together_ thing you had going on back there.”

“I have to say that subtlety isn’t exactly my forte when matters of the heart are concerned. Perhaps I am as hopeless as you are dense.”

“Hey!”

“I was joking, of course. Without you, well…we wouldn’t be here at all, would we?”

“Well, we _are_ here. Lucky to be alive.”

“Yes, we are.”

“So I think we should grab onto opportunities like there’s no tomorrow.”

“Are you implying…?”

“I’m implying nothing. I’m gonna ask outright.”

“Oh. Do continue.”

“Do you wanna, like, get dinner sometime?”

“I’d like that,” Light smiles, “I’d like that a lot.”

**Author's Note:**

> *rolls up to the 999 fandom ten years late with a green smoothie*
> 
> Please no VLR/ZTD spoilers, I haven't played them yet. I just got 999 for my DS Lite and finished it the other day. Safe to say I have a new special interest.


End file.
